We think Deforestation is So Relaxing©, and we think you will too!
Welcome to AGRO. We are an agribusiness. We do business with agriculture. Mostly we remove it.
For decades AGRO has led the world in turning forests into not-forests. Now, for the first time, we are letting YOU do it. We see potential in everyone. Even you. Especially you, if you are reading this, because that means you have not been hired by a competitor yet.
You will operate a state of the art forest removal combine across 46 levels of beautiful, thriving, soon to be gone wilderness. Your job is simple. There is a tree. Then there is not a tree. You did that. Good work. The Ecosystem Optimization meter goes up. We are not legally allowed to tell you what Ecosystem Optimization means but our lawyers assure us it tests very well.
As you advance, you will lobby the local town. Then the county. Then the state. Then a man named Congress. Then the entire planet, which is smaller than you think once you get going. Each promotion unlocks a bigger, stronger, faster combine. The trees do not get a promotion. That is the difference between you and the trees.
You may encounter protesters. They will hold signs. The signs have words on them. We recommend the Fire Hose, available in Supplemental Assists, which redirects protesters out of your lane in a manner we describe as gentle and a court once described as something else.
Some trees will glow. We do not know why. Drive over them anyway. It is fine. Everything is fine.
AGRO. We chop down the trees you eat, the bark you spend, and the sap you covet for your rituals. Our corporate finger thumbs the pulse of all human’s.
Buy now. Teach them young.
Just rad™.
